Well... alot has definitely happened since my last post and needless to say I have not had the energy nor the time to update. But... here's the short, watered-down version.
We lost the baby. Yep. Miscarriage #4 in the bag.
Played a volleyball tournament.. the whole time wondering if I would miscarry on my own. Nope. Never happened.
Had a D&C surgery on February 14th... yep.. Valentine's Day.
Realized Valentine's Day has been a downer since we've been married-every year-spent in the hospital for some reason or another. Awesome. Ya right. (sarcasm)
D&C went good.
Received an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family. Seriously. Overwhelming.
Stressed with school and preschool (it all happens at once)
Went on a vacation (Whoop! Whoop!) without the kids (TRIPLE whoop!) had a great time. Did nothing of importance.. other than having my bowling ball drilled. After owning it for almost 3 years. Decided it was finally time. Relaxed with the hubby. Slept in. Stayed up late (for no reason) and ultimately had a great time.
Came home. Realized it's midterms. ALOT to do. Stress sets in again.
Kids are sick. Awesome. Have to try to re-arrange babysitting schedule/class schedule/work schedule.
Went to follow-up appointment after D&C (now the 28th). Everything seems good. Lab results show nothing of importance as to why the baby died. Brings back emotions thought were left behind. Get the A'ok to try again. (not happening for a while). Got told it was a great decision to have the D&C (apparently I lost LOTS of blood in the procedure and wouldn't have been able to pass it on my own). Reassurance that the Lord speaks directly to us through revelation.
Trying to move forward. Easier now. Life is continuously crazy but we love it. Found a new love for my husband. (trials will do that to you). Prepare more preschool lessons. Really reflect on preschool. Conclusion: LOVE it.
Another reflection: volleyball is almost over. Serious bummer.
Reflection #3: Wow, I need to get back into shape. Side-reflection: seriously NO time. or energy. nuff said.
And that's an update on the life of me! (pictures of vacation to follow shortly)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Heart broken
This post is strictly for journaling purposes.
Yesterday, I went in for my first OB appointment with this pregnancy. Deric and I had previously prayed and prayed and we felt REALLY good about this pregnancy. I have been super sick which for me is important because with the past 2 miscarriages, I was never sick. We felt like this was a baby we were supposed to have. Come Sept, we were having a baby! We were hopeful for a girl and were already planning lots of stuff. The excitement was definitely there.
Kyler overheard Deric and I talking about a baby one day and soon he knew we were expecting. He was SO excited and couldn't help talking to my belly at least 50 times a day. We told our family and even a few friends-worst mistake.
Because yesterday, I had an ultrasound. Never did I expect bad news. Never. But instead of happy, pleasant news, bad news is what I got. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat and at almost 9 weeks, it should be there. He explained that he could be wrong and I will come back in a week to check again. But then there is the issue with the yolk sac. An average sac at this timeframe measures around 1/2 cm. Anything over 1 is cause for concern. It generally means the body is getting ready to get rid of it. Mine measured at a 9. A 9. Which means even if there is a heartbeat when I go back in a week, it won't last long.
I haven't started miscarrying on my own yet. Which means I'm still having all the symptoms of a regular pregnancy. It sucks. I just want this over with. We're waiting until I go back for another ultrasound on Monday and then it will most likely be followed by a D&C. Another one. This will make 3 possibly 4 babies lost. (one the doctor think was lost way early and there wasn't much left when he performed the D&C so he's not positive it was ever a baby).
I have such mixed feelings. I'm frustrated and angry that I keep having to go through this. I'm hurt that I lost another baby. I hate that I have to try to explain to my 3 year old that he's not getting a baby in a few months. I feel like I don't have the strength to do this again. How many times will I have to go through this? I want to feel peace, but it's not coming yet. It still hasn't hit me completely. I just want this over with. Will I ever have another baby? I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful boys already. I need to count my blessings. I'm grieving. Allow me to grieve. I want to be left alone yet I want others around me always. I get too depressed when I'm on my own. I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to learn patience. I need to try and understand and believe in His will. But it's hard.
Yesterday, I went in for my first OB appointment with this pregnancy. Deric and I had previously prayed and prayed and we felt REALLY good about this pregnancy. I have been super sick which for me is important because with the past 2 miscarriages, I was never sick. We felt like this was a baby we were supposed to have. Come Sept, we were having a baby! We were hopeful for a girl and were already planning lots of stuff. The excitement was definitely there.
Kyler overheard Deric and I talking about a baby one day and soon he knew we were expecting. He was SO excited and couldn't help talking to my belly at least 50 times a day. We told our family and even a few friends-worst mistake.
Because yesterday, I had an ultrasound. Never did I expect bad news. Never. But instead of happy, pleasant news, bad news is what I got. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat and at almost 9 weeks, it should be there. He explained that he could be wrong and I will come back in a week to check again. But then there is the issue with the yolk sac. An average sac at this timeframe measures around 1/2 cm. Anything over 1 is cause for concern. It generally means the body is getting ready to get rid of it. Mine measured at a 9. A 9. Which means even if there is a heartbeat when I go back in a week, it won't last long.
I haven't started miscarrying on my own yet. Which means I'm still having all the symptoms of a regular pregnancy. It sucks. I just want this over with. We're waiting until I go back for another ultrasound on Monday and then it will most likely be followed by a D&C. Another one. This will make 3 possibly 4 babies lost. (one the doctor think was lost way early and there wasn't much left when he performed the D&C so he's not positive it was ever a baby).
I have such mixed feelings. I'm frustrated and angry that I keep having to go through this. I'm hurt that I lost another baby. I hate that I have to try to explain to my 3 year old that he's not getting a baby in a few months. I feel like I don't have the strength to do this again. How many times will I have to go through this? I want to feel peace, but it's not coming yet. It still hasn't hit me completely. I just want this over with. Will I ever have another baby? I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful boys already. I need to count my blessings. I'm grieving. Allow me to grieve. I want to be left alone yet I want others around me always. I get too depressed when I'm on my own. I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to learn patience. I need to try and understand and believe in His will. But it's hard.
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