Heart broken

This post is strictly for journaling purposes.

Yesterday, I went in for my first OB appointment with this pregnancy. Deric and I had previously prayed and prayed and we felt REALLY good about this pregnancy. I have been super sick which for me is important because with the past 2 miscarriages, I was never sick. We felt like this was a baby we were supposed to have. Come Sept, we were having a baby! We were hopeful for a girl and were already planning lots of stuff. The excitement was definitely there.

Kyler overheard Deric and I talking about a baby one day and soon he knew we were expecting. He was SO excited and couldn't help talking to my belly at least 50 times a day. We told our family and even a few friends-worst mistake.

Because yesterday, I had an ultrasound. Never did I expect bad news. Never. But instead of happy, pleasant news, bad news is what I got. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat and at almost 9 weeks, it should be there. He explained that he could be wrong and I will come back in a week to check again. But then there is the issue with the yolk sac. An average sac at this timeframe measures around 1/2 cm. Anything over 1 is cause for concern. It generally means the body is getting ready to get rid of it. Mine measured at a 9. A 9. Which means even if there is a heartbeat when I go back in a week, it won't last long.

I haven't started miscarrying on my own yet. Which means I'm still having all the symptoms of a regular pregnancy. It sucks. I just want this over with. We're waiting until I go back for another ultrasound on Monday and then it will most likely be followed by a D&C. Another one. This will make 3 possibly 4 babies lost. (one the doctor think was lost way early and there wasn't much left when he performed the D&C so he's not positive it was ever a baby).

I have such mixed feelings. I'm frustrated and angry that I keep having to go through this. I'm hurt that I lost another baby. I hate that I have to try to explain to my 3 year old that he's not getting a baby in a few months. I feel like I don't have the strength to do this again. How many times will I have to go through this? I want to feel peace, but it's not coming yet. It still hasn't hit me completely. I just want this over with. Will I ever have another baby? I'm blessed to have 2 beautiful boys already. I need to count my blessings. I'm grieving. Allow me to grieve. I want to be left alone yet I want others around me always. I get too depressed when I'm on my own. I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to learn patience. I need to try and understand and believe in His will. But it's hard.