Gone back to our Heavenly Father...

Most of you already know what this post is all about, but I think I need to write it for my own good.-to get my emotions out and to vent a little. Please keep in mind as you read this, that I'm writing this for myself. I don't want to offend anyone, I don't want to complain, but I'm going to I'm sure.

When Deric and I found out we were expecting baby number 2, we were SO excited! We have always wanted to have our children close together and Kyler and this new baby were expected to be about 22 months apart-perfect timing in our mind. We felt so blessed to have this in our life. I wasn't nearly as sick as I was with Kyler and I felt like this pregnancy was going to be a lot easier than the previous one. Everything was going good, the doctor liked what he was seeing until.....

On Friday, as I was running out the door to go to work, I needed to use the bathroom (I hate using the ones at the school). I was so shocked and surprised to see that I was spotting-alot. I called my doctor and left a message for his nurse to see if I needed to come in or not. Then I called Deric. At this point, I was completely freaked out, positive that something wasn't right. I called my friend Emily whom I work with and explained to her that I probably wouldn't be coming in to work today. Then I called the doctor's office again (luckily during all this, Kyler was asleep-cause I was a wreck!) and spoke to the receptionist. She told me to come in at 2. This was two hours away and I didn't know what to do for that whole time. Deric came home to be with me because I was so scared. Before we went to the doctor, Deric gave me a blessing and I knew. I knew what the outcome was going to be. I could feel it, but I didn't want to believe it. Deric and I just kept talking about baby names and what we would do if they put me on bedrest. To help pass the time, cause I was driving myself crazy thinking about everything, we watched a movie.

Then the time to leave came. My emotions were a little bit calmer, but I still was so anxious. We dropped Kyler off at Naomi's shop and headed over.

When we got to the hospital, I found out that my doctor wasn't in and that I was going to be seeing a different doctor. Ok, I guess. Nothing I can really do about that, let's just get this figured out. While we were waiting, we met with the insurance lady on how we were going to be paying for this baby. The average cost to have a baby is $10,000. Thank goodness for insurance!! At this point, I felt reassured that everything was going to be okay. Finally, our turn to go back came.

Then the dreaded pee in a cup situation-I hate that. But today I didn't care, I wanted answers-quick! We spoke to the doctor, told him what was going on. I was bleeding-no cramping, 10 almost 11 weeks along.

We went to get an ultrasound-doctor couldnt see anything because my bladder was too empty-ordered a vaginal ultrasound. Went to a imagining and scheduled there. Waited again. At this point, we couldn't decide if no news was good or bad news. The entire time I'm going through all this, I just keep praying, pleading with my Father in Heaven to let everything be ok. I love this baby-it is mine, it is growing inside of me. I have already felt the connection. Everything HAS to be alright!

We go to get the 2nd ultrasound, lab tech informs us, she is going to try a regular ultrasound to see if she can see what she needs to see-no need for a vaginal unltrasound if she can do it that way. She talks to us, asks how sure we are on our dates and continues to look at my baby. That's my baby. Up there on the screen, I can see it. It's my little one. My love is complete for this being. Everything is going to be okay, I can tell.This is lasting a little while, she's not saying much, what's going on? She tells me to come with her and meet the doctor. His nurse directs us to another exam room.

We wait again. This time, when the doctor came in, the look on his face said it all. He doesn't beat around the bush, doesn't try to sugar coat things, just tells us flat out that they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had lost my baby. My little one. The one I just saw on the screen during the ultrasound-is not alive anymore.

I am in shock, I burst into tears and can hardly speak. That's not what he was supposed to say, that is MY baby. What happened? What went wrong? Why is my body getting rid of my baby? The doctor tells us that there is nothing that we could have done to cause this, something was wrong with the baby and my body could tell, so it did what it had to do. I now have a decision, I can pass the baby naturally or go and have a D&C to get it removed by surgery. It would be extremely painful and long to pass the baby naturally. I can't think straight. I don't want to make that decision. Everything was supposed to be okay. I felt it. I felt Heavenly Father tell me everything was going to be okay. There's some mistake, my baby is fine.

We leave the doctor's office and I feel numb. I can't do anything but cry and hold on to Deric. We schedule an appointment with my regular doctor for Monday morning. I don't understand-what happened? Why? I already love this baby, how can it be gone?

As we get into the car, I completely break down. There is nothing I can do. Deric drives stunned to our house. We call Naomi-we won't be picking up Kyler for a little while. Call the parents. Have to break the news. I can't get the words out, Deric has to do it. I keep sobbing, constantly sobbing, pleading with my Father for this to not be true.

The rest of the story is simply that I haven't been able to stop crying for 2 days. I have finally come to terms with it though. I know it's right. I feel it's right. We are most likely going to have the surgery. I don't want a constant reminder of our loss for months to come. (it could take that long to pass the baby naturally). The surgery will make it so we can try to get pregnant sooner. It costs alot. Money is tight right now. But we feel it's right. We'll wait until Monday to make the final decision.

There are some major things that I have learned from this experience. I have learned I'm SO grateful for Him... for my savior. He is by my side through all of this. He hears my feelings, my thoughts, my pleadings. He knows how I feel like no one else can.

I have learned that I'm grateful for this man... the man who is by my side completley in all of this, who when I can't sleep at night because I ache for my baby to be okay, he strokes my hand and tells me that he loves me.

I'm grateful that Deric and I were married in the temple and have the knowledge of eternal families. We will see our baby again.

If nothing else, this experience has made me so much more grateful for this little guy. He is my joy. I love him so completely, so much, I can't even express it. This amazing child, has such a sweet spirit, that no one can comprehend. This child comes to be and gives me "loves" when I cry. Who smiles and says "Mama-book" because he wants to read. He wants to be with me. He knows I'm struggling, and he wants to make it better. He loves me too.

Now, I realize that even though I had a miscarriage, I am lucky and grateful to have had it happen this early in my pregnancy-enough people have reminded me of that. Yes, I'm grateful that I didn't lose a child that I had already given birth to or that was fully matured. But I still lost a child. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I still miss this baby. I still want this baby to be mine completely. I still love this baby more than anything. I wish people could understand that.

I don't expect people to understand what I'm going through. I feel like it's my fault. This is all my fault. I keep getting reminded that it's not, but the guilt is still there. I don't want to see anyone but family and close friends. The ones who truly care. The ones who will just let me cry, just let me get it out. I want to sleep-I'm so exhausted, emotionally and physically. It's starting to really hurt. The bleeding is still minimal, but the cramping has begun. I dont want to go through this. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I don't want to explain to everyone. I shouldn't have told people we were expecting this early. The next 9 months are going to be hard. All my sisters and sisters-in-law are expecting. How can I see them, see their belly's grow, see them prepare for their new babies and not feel like I'm missing mine? How can I do this? Life will go on, I'm sure, but I want to just skip pass this phase of life. I know my Heavenly Father is here.I can feel him, but I still feel incomplete without this baby. I look at baby blankets, shoes, rattles, the whole work and every little thing makes me break down. I feel jealous of those who are having babies, who are expecting. I want to be too. This will all be okay, it will pass. I know.

Keep thinking positive-keep thinking positive, you have others who care about you and who will help you through. You will have another child, you will. The timing is off, that's all. Maybe your baby needed some more instruction before coming down. Maybe he/she just wasn't prepared. Maybe you weren't prepared for 2 children. Maybe something is coming up you need to accomplish, maybe you need to go through this to relate to others later on. Everything WILL be okay. I WILL BE OKAY. I am strong, I have been through a lot before, this will make me stronger. I will make it. I will. There is no other option. Deric needs me, Kyler needs me. I need me.

I have had so many people express their love and sympathy to our family and for that I am so grateful. Thank you to all who has really be there for us. For those who have made me feel guilty for mourning-I don't care about you. I know myself, I know what I need to do. I will be stronger for this.